Saturday Morning, sweet n slow.
Sitting in my bed listening to Birdy after a run n church n avocado toast with friends. It was valentines day week. honestly not a huge valentines day girl, I don’t think a huge fancy dinner is really necessary, more of a chill quality time person tbh, but anyways, there was lotsa focus on relationships n stuff this week, didn’t make me want a boyfriend or make me feel lonely or anything like that, actually kinda did the opposite cause I was annoyed with everyone posting on social media about their hunnies (if I had a boyfriend I would have been raving about him as well so don’t take this personally, @ anyone haha). But, long story short I just had a lotta conversation w friends and time with Jesus this week concerning past, present, and future ideals, standards, and purpose of relationship. It’s honestly weird to me how much anxiety we put into relationships. Maybe I do this more than the regular person, but I find that anytime I am talking, dating, etc etc etc whatever you are calling this “phase” before marriage where things feel uncertain, I am constantly trying to assess the other person and their opinion of me and if they are “perfect” or not. I have high standards (as we should ladies), and honestly after each person I date no matter how great they are my standards get a little bit higher because I see, the good qualities of whoever I was able to grow and learn with, but through dating, you also observe the things that made the relationship not last or not “work” and in turn, the things I do not want to see in a future spouse. How do we balance this continually evolving idea of a “perfect person” we see ourselves with and the reality that no human can actually be perfect? I honestly don’t know. I do know it is important to have standards and take time to truly know someone before you allow them to take up that much space in your heart. I have only dated two people and have learned a lot about myself through both of those awesome people even though things didn’t work out. One thing I have been continually stressing to myself and to other women recently is the ability we have to assess our own hearts. For me, there are so many areas I am NOT confident in and am insecure about things I used to LOVE because when you lose a person in your life or things drastically change you can lose a little bit of yourself if you’re not careful. When I say assessing your heart I mean being honest with yourself and the areas you do not fully believe you are worthy of love in or the areas you do not see beauty in (whether physical, emotional, mentally, any of it). You are not a “crazy lady,” you are a woman with feelings. For me, there are definitely some of these areas in my heart and mind that I constantly find myself overanalyzing and insecure in! and I hate this, because there is so much peace and confidence available in Christ if we simply access it. There was a night about a week ago and I was on my knees worshipping alone in my room to some bethel worship. I had literally JUST started to pray about some of the parts of my heart that I had been ignoring because it hurt to bring up old relationships/memories and the song Pieces, Live with Steffany Gretzinger started to play. I have always loved this song, but at this moment where I needed peace Jesus met me there. Verse 3 played and I broke down in tears:
“your love's not fractured It's not a troubled mind It isn't anxious It's not the restless kind Your love's not passive It's never disengaged It's always present It hangs on every word You say Love keeps it's promises It keeps it's word It honors what's sacred Yes, it's vows are good And Your love's not broken It's not insecure Your love's not selfish Your love is pure”
-His love is not insecure! It is not selfish! He does not need your love, He does not need my love, He is so confident and complete without it, but He WANTS it, He WANTS me, and He WANTS you! We are all broken humans, we cannot and will not love each other perfectly all the time (most of the time) and sometimes that imperfect love will leave us feeling so shattered and broken. But, the fact that there is nothing selfish, nothing impure about His love is just so beautiful. You never have to worry about His intentions or opinions of you. They are always pure, always good.
In the season I am in right now I am very set on allowing Christ to come in and take the space of any and all insecurities that have made space in my heart from past relationships and experiences before looking anywhere else to fill up those broken places. Firstly because it would not be fair to someone for me to come into a relationship not fully myself or comfortable with myself and looking to them to fulfill a need or to “patch up” a broken place they have no real ability to fix because only Christ can do that. And Secondly (most importantly) because I want Christ to have the first place in my heart. How can He have the first place if the first place I go to when I am broken is another human being? Another song that has been amazing to worship to this week is called Jesus You Alone by Highlands Worship. The lyrics that stick out the most to me are : “I’ve searched the world for a love that could fill my heart, but nothing compares to the wonder of who you are.”
The last song that stuck out to me and has honestly brought so much healing this week is Be Thou My vision. “thou be my best thought, by day or by night. riches I heed not. Nor man’s empty praise. thou mine inheritance, now and always. Thou and thou only, first in my heart.” These are just a jumble of some of my favorite lines in the song, but it is such a true and important anthem. Let me not concern myself with man’s empty praise because I am so consumed with praising Him. I just wanted to reiterate some of these things because I know how easy it is to forget them. In the society we live in, the popular opinion states that the "best" way to be happy is to have the cutest boyfriend with the cutest instagram pictures which is literally SO FAR from the truth. Yes, getting excited for whoever you are going to marry someday, walking alongside that person, planning that wedding, do not get me wrong, relationships are so good and so fun, so many pinterest boards devoted to that haha, but getting excited for what Christ is doing in and through you is so much more exciting and fulfilling, I promise ladies! Nothing wrong with relationships, just so necessary to allow Him the first place and complete access to our hearts and minds.
Yes and amen.